Check out my God given brain

You dont want to live on empty.

You want more of God.

Jesus cast out that demon through prayer and fasting, not on that spot, but in the past.

Remember you are supposed to learn how to be strong this year.

I stopped trusting God

to provide friends, because too many friendships broke down, or drifted, or never happened

to provide friends for traveling, while I see others take off and have fun, I am reminded of what I do not have, what was taken

to provide friends, went to other places to find greener grass, and realised the grass at home continued to flourish, and kept asking myself if I stayed, would the grass be green enough for me to have, and either way, I guess I will never eat green grass, none of His supplication, I wonder if the prodigal son left in search for greener grass but realised he will never get green grass in his life when he ate the pig’s food

to provide someone who can make the cut, too many unrealiable girls, few with enough intelligence, too many in their own world, all my perceptions compounded by too much evidence

to provide what I want, I studied so hard to land up in somewhere so mediocre, and its so sad to keep hearing myself say…why did I study so hard? Like I didnt change the future I wanted to change, and I see others study for 2 years, closed their eyes and got straight A s, all the bitterness and resentment, will slowly erode all my smiles

yea maybe it might be a better place in the long run, but I never got what I asked for, never,

and I realised how I cant look far back enough to remember His track record of love and faithfulness

in relation to my earthly father, I know He loves, but I feel none of His provision, only disapproval, rejection, denial

when I find myself in Job’s spot, all I can hear is trust in His timing, in His faithfulness, in His love, but the reasons pile themselves up and silence all of what I used to remember

and I am feeling so poor from my social debts, robbed of dreams

dont blame people for leaving God altogether

once again understanding how people feel when they choose to leave Him.

the prodigal son’s brother who stood outside the house refusing to enter, and if he stood outside the house, he did not enter his father’s presence, his father’s love, and the prodigal son’s brother, isnt too different from the prodigal son, because both at one moment did not enter their father’s love, presence, celebration and provision

its a pity I cant remember His provision and supplication, like a memory erased clean

and I stare into my empty hands wet with tears

Church management?

The father in the prodigal son story never chased after his lost son, even though He had the power and authority to, he didnt. The door was always opened both ways, always welcomed to enter and leave as and when you want.

If that was how God conducted His open door policy…then I guess churches should follow likewise and not invite people in and then lock them in. That makes it a prison. Church is not a prison.

and when backsliders come back…when they return, how do we greet them? Whatever way we greet them…it definitely is not how the father ran towards his prodigal son.

Simple lessons we can learn from a parable but we completely miss it.

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I learnt that when I sinned the last thing God wants from me is me drifting away from Him. At your worst moment, your active need for God becomes the greatest. Because sin distance us from God…or at least thats how we perceive it…we drift away from Him.

But nothing can ever separate us from His love. Not even sin. Because Christ covered all our sins. He paid for them. Another lesson altogether.

Point is…I learnt that the last thing God wants after I sinned against Him is to drift from Him. Because I am precious to Him but my sin isnt. He loves me not my sin. So drawing away from Him after I sin, breaks His heart further.

Lessons learnt from a friendship I care for.

I just dont know how to reconcile between disappointment towards a person, and not wanting the person to drift away from me. But it feels like a lie to say that the person didnt disappoint me after doing dumb stuff with his/her life. But its disappointment that drives that person away. So whats the reconciliation between the two? Dilemma much.

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Daddy more than anything else, my wife must have insight.

Then God said…

Every number counts. Even if its 1.

that people can still hate you even when you help them. They hate you for changing their lives, or for whatever reasons.

Help only when asked for.

said this to me when she heard from me that I got rejected by both nus law and smu law…

‘Shit…how can they be so short sighted? I feel so sorry for you.’

Pause.

‘It’s their loss.’

My colleague said that too to me. Their loss.

And after a lot of musing…my boss suddenly said this to me when I was not even looking at her…’Best of luck. Thats all I can say to you.’

Not gloating or what…but its nice to know someone of that calibre…a well known lawyer, a bookstore owner…holds you in esteem.

Idk how did so many people have such high hopes that I would get in…I was starting to think I couldn’t get in anyway.

And to go into fass…I keep thinking absolute rubbish…I studied so freaking hard…and to be with people who didnt study half as hard or as long as me…and got lousy grades. Wasted.

I keep asking myself…why did I study so hard?

It seems like every major exam, I either study too hard, too long, or too little.

The many discrepancies in my life that I wish I could correct, but its either too late or takes another party to help correct it.

—

I keep asking myself…why I have friends who I want to keep close to me, but they are never available, never close, too far away. And I have friends that I rather lose to keep those whom I care for close to me, yet they are always close by.

The discrepancy of having the ‘wrong’ set of friends by your side.

I keep asking myself…did I make too lousy an impression on my childhood best friend, why she didnt invite me to her 21st, cause I wasn’t close enough, on people whom I care for, and they just keep slipping away.

I am constantly reinforced, everyone so easily misperceives me, every girl does. Besides one or two…the rest all misperceives me. Misunderstood. I am so bad at first impressions.

JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO LIVE DIFFERENTLY doesnt mean I am weird, or strange, or a freak. So oh please please stop misunderstanding me. Because living the same like everyone else is so boring and typical.

I only hope I can find a girl who is impressed that I make an attempt at being different. And the better you are at being different…the more people frown at you on first impression.

Lesson in life: Hand over the ledger of friendships, if its all in red, so be it, give it to God to handle. If He writes you off into a poverty of no friends…so be it. Stoic much. Eat gravels for breakfast lunch and dinner.

I guess I rather surrender it over, than struggle against life and how every friendship keeps failing. Too many failure experiences to make extra servings, for a buffet.

The best part is…I know most of these lines are just lies…but they look so real. And I like to think they are real. Conscious yet I still succumb.

—

Flying kites in eight hours.

The thin line between a great man, and a man who gave up.

Self doubt…is like cutting yourself.

I was told to do all the things I want to do before entering uni, like enjoy life.

Backpacking dream…crushed.

I wish I have a stable group of friends to fall on.

I wish I could travel.

I wish I be happier with life.

Contented.